Appreciating an Everchanging World...

Hope everyone is well.

Hi All! An update:

Spent a few days in Jacksonville with my friends Ashley Lee and Debbie. We met up with their friend Geoff and stayed with his family in their lovely home in Atlantic Beach, right outside of Jacksonville. It was nice to get away for a little bit. His family was very kind to us and made us lots of food. We went to a fun club in a really shitty part of town called The Pearl. I got trashed for the first time in over four months. While it was fun, I kinda regret it because it made my ADD medicine stop working for a few days. It's back to normal now though. Had lunch with my grandmother in her home and that was nice as well.

The Pearl
Other Jax Pics

I worked with my friend/professor/advisor/mentor/etc. Penelope for a few days after returning from Jacksonville. Got caught up in an insurance scam fraud thing as I tried to get a car wash at a gas station next to UCF. Had a weird man jump in my car. Long story. Very strange and scary.

Had a catch-up dinner with some high school friends. It was nice, though one of our friends just dropped dead a few days ago, so that was sad.

Yesterday, I packed a bag and put my cats Ivan and Igor into carriers and headed to my parent's house. I really don't enjoy this atmosphere, mainly because of my mother. I think I'm going to leave for home tomorrow night. There is horrible tension and she screams at me or my father for something every 30 minutes or so. First she was angry I came home a day earlier than she wanted me to. Next she was absolutely furious I brought my cats, and the cats have continued to be a major issue for her that she brings up in one way or another. At one point she said she didn't want my cats mixing with hers because "her cats are better." This makes no sense. Then there is screaming about gifts. And then she got in a fight with my father over Christmas dinner. Everyone is ill, so she doesn't feel like cooking which is fine. But then there was lots of fighting over where we will eat.

I hate it here. I don't like Christmas anymore. It's nothing special for me, just an excuse to waste money because an entire industry works hard to convince us that this is the time of year you're supposed to buy things.

I haven't been yelling back at my mom, which is something I used to do quite frequently. I've just been answering her calmly or ignoring her if her statements do not make any logical sense. Tonight though it really got to me and I started getting down on myself because of how she treats me and relates to me, as if I'm an idiotic child (for my mother is always right 100% of the time and is an expert on everything possible). But then I instantly stopped any negative feelings (She just came in my old room right now and told me to take my head off the headboard of my bed because it will leave oil stains and damage the finish and then got mad at me for using the comforter, because it's dry clean only and I'm never supposed to use it, even though she has the air conditioning set to the high 60's constantly - wtf).

I'm 22 years old - definitely an adult by now, and I function quite exceptionally on my own. I have been doing amazing things and have been quite happy. Being here really makes it evident to me how important my friends are. Everyone else is so much more grounded and realistic. I need to get out of here.

Tomorrow is going to be absolutely awful. Mom will probably end up crying at some point because we didn't get her what she wanted or the number of gifts she wanted. Then my father and mother will argue and we will go to the Royal Pacific resort for Christmas lunch as a family and everyone will be tense and angry and it will be miserable. That's typically how it goes.

This place is not healthy for me. No wonder I was constantly depressed and suicidal throughout much of my senior year of high school living here. I need to get out of here ASAP.

I hate being financially dependent on my parents. However, it is comfortable at the same time. I just don't know if the strings that come along with it are worth it though.

Oh yeah. My dad has to have more heart surgery. He had quintuple bypass open heart surgery a few years ago. He's really depressed and thinks he's going to die, so that only adds to the stress.

Hope you're doing well!

**Well fuck. I started writing this post all cheery. Then I heard some lady screaming. I went outside to find our new trashy neighbors (who moved in Sunday) with their trashy pitbulls and our new kitten (who the previous trashy tenets had abandoned/bestowed on us) dead in the mouth of one of the pittbulls. This is super sad. I'm not a fan of outdoor cats at all, or unspayed/neutered cats. The previous couple had adopted this one cat, Rouka, as a kitten, claim they tried to litter train it but had no luck so made it an outdoor cat. Anyone who has an outdoor unfixed cat in a neighborhood with 25+ feral cats is just stupid. So the cat had kittens. They gave four away, but couldn't get rid of the smallest one because it was too attached to the mother and followed it everywhere. They moved to a new house which already had many cats so they asked me if I would mind taking care of the mother cat, since I already had been taking care of it anyway because they weren't. I was going to do this temporarily and then take the cat to the county to be spayed/neutered. They were going to take the kitten with them, but left several days ago without the kitten. And now the kitten is dead. And the one trashy lady felt bad, and her trashy sister was yelling at her and laughing at her for being sad and started yelling at me for having my cats in her yard, when the cats have lived there for months/years and their owners just abandoned them three days ago. So of course they don't know any better. Ug. The world is so shitty sometimes.

Anyway, I'm doing FANTASTIC otherwise.

Last night I had my identity stolen from me and someone used my credit card to make subscriptions at some shitty real estate scam website: http://www.hiddenfortunesinrealestate.com What a shitty waste of my money! At least they could have purchased food, clothing, or porn or something. But a real estate scam subscription? Wtf...

I'm a senior and really enjoying school. I'm doing exceptionally well and making A's in my classes. I've decided to double major in Sociology as well as Psychology, and doing so will require me to stay one extra semester, graduating in Fall '09. This is fine though, because the college lifestyle is supposedly much easier/cheaper than living as an independent adult. So I don't see a problem in prolonging my independence and the responsibility that comes with it.

Then I will apply for grad school in Fall 10. So far away, but that will give me one year to study for the GRE. And I'll also be able to work for a year and earn a little money/enjoy life, so I'm not poor as fuck when I go back to school.

It's impossible to cram everything into one post, but I think this is a good place to start.

I'm dating someone. Well, maybe several people, very casually, because I've made the mistake of jumping into things too quickly before. I seem to mesh the best with one guy though.

This is what I look like now, or at least after I've awoken and haven't done my hur:




Deep breath and time to carry on.

<3

Does it still exist?

I can't believe it's been pretty much a year since I used this. I have gone through so many things and have changed in so many ways. I don't even know if I could pick up where I left off.

I wish I could keep my journal but change the name. Is this possible? I don't think so.


I have had this journal for years now, but I've completely forgotten the basics of using it.

No longer true. Open from now on!

Yesterday and today have not been productive, due to my becoming ill.

I believe that I have the flu. Essentially, I ache everywhere and feel weak and dizzy. My throat also hurts and I feel warm.

Everyone was getting sick, so it was bound to happen to me.

My complexion has gone to hell. Hopefully it will clear up soon, along with my illness.

I'm so disappointed in myself. There are so many things I want to be doing with my life.

I'm not really certain if sociology is for me. So far, it's been easy for me to jump onto the bandwagon, because I like helping people and making them happy, but I'm a fairly creative person, and I want to be able to live comfortably as an adult, and I don't think that sociology will provide me with the lifestyle I want.

I'm doing well. Not academically, but career-wise. My academics have been average. Luckily, I was brought up to interact well with others and so I've been able to achieve some decent things. For example, I have two good jobs working in the sociology field. I was just made the president of Focus the Nation at UCF, and everyone wants me to be it again next year. I'm supposed to do an awesome independent study project next year with my professor.

However, I haven't even made my complete schedule for next semester. I haven't filled out the paperwork for the ISP.

I've been watching MADE on MTV all day. The notion of spending my day watching television, let alone MTV upsets me, but I'm ill so I suppose it's not a big deal. Watching other people work hard to achieve things, and then in-turn achieve them depresses me, because I do not work hard.

I want to learn to draw. I want to learn to paint. I want to learn to sew. I want to improve my vocabulary. I want to read more frequently. I want to apply myself more in school. I want to do well financially.

So it's almost Christmas. I haven't purchased a single present. I have relatively no money to purchase anything. I want to create things for people, not buy them junk, but materials to create things cost money.

I spend my days distracting myself from feeling horrible about myself.

I'm sitting at a nice, mountain-top library in Brevard, NC. I'm supposed to be doing homework, while my aunt and her husband do the whole church thing.

Pictures from the trip so far:

http://ucf.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2192450&l=c228c&id=5121075

I left on Friday. Sat in the Charolotte airport for several hours, and then flew a tiny prop plane to Greenville, SC. Lisa and Frank picked me up and we drove to Cedar Mountain, where Aunt Lisa's summer home is.

It's been nice. We've been eating a lot of healthy mountain foods, and we have made our own ice cream each night. The air here is so great smelling. So fresh and crisp and with a pleasant scent. It was in the 70's the first day, and is in the 60's today.

Yesterday I spent three hours here at the library doing homework, and then we went and looked at some familiar sites that I always try to see when I'm up here, like Looking Glass Falls, and other things.

The home is looking cute. The new bathrooms look nice, and even have heated floors at the touch of a button. Aunt Lisa has decided that after 10 years she doesn't really like her house and wants to get a new one, because she feels it looks to much like a "Florida Home". lol. So that may or may not happen, but probably not.

Tomorrow morning we're going to go snake hunting. Should be fun.

Some of the leaves have started turning red, but not too many. For the most part, it still looks like summer here.

It's so nice to see so many familiar things. I've come up here for the past ten years, and I used to go to summer camp here every summer. Some things have changed, but not a whole lot really.

I would much rather live here than in Orlando. It's just so pleasant. If you need big cities, Asheville, Colombia, and Greenville aren't far.

Ok, time to do homework. I'll be home tomorrow night. Hope everyone is doing well!

My roommates are amazing.

In other news, I will most-likely be starting a new job next week as a researcher at UCF for the Sociology Department, with Mrs. Hilary Dotson <3. Pay is about the same as Barnies, but it will look good on my resume and it isn't 30 minutes away.

I'm happy.

Drunken karaoke tonight!

You have to be objective.

Even if you care about something, you can't support something that causes more stress and pain than what you ultimately get back, regardless of whether or not the other party intends to cause these feelings.

It's all pluses and minuses and objective observation.

Just logical thinking.

No ill-tempered or bitter feelings, for that would simply not be logical.

Strive to do everything out of love and always look for and cherish the good.

Erika Marshall completes my life.

Drunk Lucy went into a coma around 4:45 this morning.

I've tried to make her as comfortable as possible.

She is breathing slowly, but is not responsive.

She meant the world to me and she will be loved forever.

( Her Life in Pictures: )

Edit: Lucy died around 11:10 a.m. I'm taking her body to Dr. Phillips to be buried in the back yard.

They play it all day at Dillard's, over and over, and I get it stuck in my head.



Happy holidays everyone!

In Europe through the 15th.

See you then!


Rich

I will love you forever.